Yes you, no, not you.. YOU..
You know who I am talking about, and it's you. This letter/blog goes to explain everything that I need you to know, because I know you'll never listen to me otherwise. If you are willing to make comments that go against my claims it's fine, I know I am saying the truth; therefore to be honest, now it doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, because I have nothing left of myself for you to hurt.
To begin with, I love you. Always have, always will... and you might make the comment "That's scary," yes I know you say that; however I continue loving you. Fact? I promised you I always will.
I know it's wrong to blame your faults on other people, especially the ones you love; therefore I am not, and I mean NOT going to blame you for anything. Just listing the simplicity of the problem and how we could've solved it. It's fine, you don't want to. I respect it strongly, because again, I love you.
It's been five months, yes I have kept count. Trust me, crying every night for hours and hours regretting things helps you keep track of the time you are wasting away. You always used to say that it's you who's going to take it. You made so many promises, and looking at you, and being with you, I believed them all. I didn't believe them for the sake of a rush, or experiencing a teenaged love story we kind of shared, but believed them because the only truth I ever saw in life was in your eyes. Hell yes I am cheesy, you'd know too.
You probably know what we shared, and you can't continue being that coward you are and deny the fact of even once knowing me. What are you afraid to face? You have everything now right, and I was the biggest problem in your life, and that's gone. You should be happy right?
So these past few months whatever has happened to me, yes I deserve it to the full max; for I am a person who knows how to expect and never give to anyone. Maybe for the time, I thought I had done a lot by dedicating everything in my life to you; things never mattered to me, because all those promises you made, made me believe that you'll never leave my side. So why did you?
So by now, you know it's you I am talking about. What else do I have to talk about? That "little connection" we shared maybe tells you that I am always thinking about you. Fact? I don't hide that I still care about you.
So what's my point? Like I said, it has been five months, FIVE DAMN MONTHS since I have talked to you. I look fine right? Well I am not. I don't want to be self centered and tell you I can't live without you and stuff; for you already are happy on your own, and have moved on. Truth be told, I always did everything for your happiness. Now wait, the comment you are going to make right now is probably, "That's mad bs," well I know you THAT well to know that's EXACTLY what you are going to say.
Right now, I am going to prove why whatever I am saying is NOT bs. This may or may not matter to you, but if you have read this far, please continue reading; maybe it can save someone in the end.
Number One
Being with you was a chance I had to take; for my friends and everyone else didn't approve the fact that I was dating you. I did anyway, because I wanted to give you a chance. Do you remember the time we were talking online and my status said "Is this real or another crush," and you asked me if it was about our relationship? At that time, I wasn't sure about being with you, to be honest, I didn't even know we would last that long. You know what stopped me from leaving you? I still remember that time you told me you had this dream where I told you I am scared, and you held my hand and said it's going to be ok. I can't believe that giving you that one chance would change my life forever.
Number Two
My friends didn't like you as much as the time went on. Sometimes, they would get mad if I spent too much time with you during lunch; however just like you used to say "the time with you is all that matters," it was the same for me. I don't know if you ever meant that, but for that time I believed it. I would leave my friends everyday to spend time with you; in other words I was stupid to stop caring about my friends, but did it anyway.
Number Three
So my friends and I got into a fight I left them, blah blah blah.
Number Four
I never told you I left them because of you, I didn't want to hurt you. You remember how I would ask you to let me be your support? That's all I ever wanted to be, I don't know where I went wrong in that category. Maybe everywhere? I guess I could never show you how much I care and trust you; therefore you got tired of the way I was acting.
Number Five
I broke up with you for you. Sigh, remember last summer? That little argument we had and that email you wrote me? You said you don't care about your reputation, you don't care about anything and that you just want to live in my world. Don't deny that, you said it and you know it. You want to know something funny though? You sent me that email at exactly 3:04 am, a minute after I decided I was going to end my relationship with you. Yes, in the summer. Now why would I want to break up then, and why didn't I?
That night one of YOUR close friends sent me a legit conversation attaining information about how YOU don't trust me. Despite the fact of me loving you, leaving my friends was an action I took because I trusted ONLY YOU. You think YOU KNOW how it feels to be betrayed by the one person you actually ever trusted? Ha, imagine how I felt that night when your friend sent me that conversation. It was then I decided this was it; however it might have been god's will because right when I was going to type a break up email to you, I received your email at 3:04 am. That's when I realized that everyone makes mistakes. We are NOT perfect, and I never promised you I was going to be. I am human too, and whatever I did, I did because of you.
Number Six
So we broke up on October 16th, 2009. You know something even FUNNIER? October 16th, 2008 was the day I met you for the first time. It seems crazy right? The fact that I remember everything up till now? How can I forget what meant the most to me? I can't.
Do you remember how I even told you a week before we broke up how I don't have the courage to break up with you because you mean everything to me? It didn't and wouldn't matter who broke up with who, I would cry any other way; however I accepted your change of heart and ended our relationship anyway. I didn't care about how I felt at that point, because I cared about you.
Did you ever ask yourself why would a person who broke up with you for your benefit ever want to hurt you? NO, you never did. And you know what you did after that? You went ahead and believed whatever everyone else told you and forgot me in an instant. You spread rumors about me, to my friends, and you continued to express your great hatred for me.
Number Seven
I didn't ever come and talk to you about how much it bothered me whenever you said bad things about me. I thought that even though you were making fun of me, you were happy. That's all I ever wanted, so I stayed quiet and accepted the fact that I've lost you. Was it my fault? I think it's you who fell into a whole deal of misunderstandings; however I don't blame you. I made many mistakes too, you know that and I do too; however the least you could do was ask me if I would ever want to ruin you. The fact that you didn't ask me first, ruined me. It ruined me.
Number Eight
I knew about a lot of things even during the time we were dating. The fact that you were thinking about leaving that course we took together a month before we broke up hurt me; for you never told me. I never wanted to discuss that with you because I wanted you to be in charge of whatever and however you wanted to lead your life. While dating too, I was told by you you had certain boundaries you had to maintain. I accepted that because I didn't want anything hurting you, so I kept my distance. You told me you had a family friend in the school who might tell your parents about us; however I never told you I personally knew that family friend of yours. She would never tell your parents; however for your happiness and consolation, I decided to not care about that.
Number Nine
I bet you hate me for leaving you alone in that course. Fact? I had always wanted to be an aerospace engineer; therefore since grade six, I collected information and went to various programs to learn as much as I could about aviation. That's how much I loved the career, but I guess I loved you more? The drama that was going around the time we broke up left me no choice but to leave that one course I desperately needed to pursue Aerospace. Fact? I can't take that course again, meaning I cannot pursue my dream career. I was told that I would never be able to take the course again, but I didn't mind letting my dream go for our reality; it was worth it. What happened to me after that you know yourself.
You just expressed more hatred you felt to people. You know what that caused? The reputation I was trying hard to gain back for us after leaving my friends was in ruins again because of your hatred. I might have deserved that; however even though everything is almost ok, do you think I am? I have to live with insecurities because I don't know who to trust. I trusted YOU, I believed in YOU, and I loved YOU; therefore what you did killed the last bits of me.
Number ten I am going to tell you at the end of this blog. To be honest, I promise this is the last blog I will ever write because I have nothing more to write about, to talk about.
I always believed in angels and 11:11. Angels because I saw my angel in you, and 11:11 because every night for the past five months, I have wished for you to be back in my life at 11:11. It's kind of silly, the whole idea; for it's not happening and I have accepted that, but I decide to wish anyway ( there is no harm in hoping).
I don't know in which other way to explain to you how much I still care. I know I never can because you gave my life meaning and now since you're gone, that purpose is gone as well. I never wanted to complain against your actions, or ever get mad at you because I never let your goods be outweighed by your bads. To me you are still that "car-loving, bhangra boy," I dreamt about being with forever; but it's ok.
I guess it's time I let you be happier, and to be honest there is only one way I can do that. I will explain that later in number ten though. I thought that after the breakup, you'd one day come back for me, I am stupid though ( you know that too). I am not lying when I said I am insecure because of what you caused, and I am not lying about how I feel about you every second of every hour of every day.
Some strange facts I think you should know are:
-I sometimes check your account on youtube
-I still have that little dog you gave me last year and I kiss him goodnight before I sleep
-I feel sad whenever I see Chrysler 300s around because I am reminded of an incomplete dream
-I installed an audio system for my own car
-I kind of learned guitar because of you
-I smile whenever I remember what you used to say to me whenever I used to hide from you
-I cry inside whenever I see you
-I still sometimes dream about you
-I love you
Now the finale of my very last blog is number ten.
Number Ten
I am moving on May 27th, 2010 and after writing semester two exams, I am never coming back to this school. The reason is because I feel that me leaving here will give both of us a sense of security; for I know how much I have bugged you for the last five months and possibly even during the time of our relationship. Now if you're one of my friends and are reading this, I am sorry. I just cannot pretend to be happy forever. I always wanted to be a graduate from this high school since grade six, when I first heard about the program it offers. I worked pretty hard to get to this school, but like some of my dreams I let go while loving you, I'll let this one go too. I promise you though, that whenever you feel unhappy, just remember there is someone somewhere in the world who is alive because you are smiling.
I love you
