We all start off as those little fertilized eggs in our mother's womb, which later turn out to be the people we are known as today, and really sometimes just sitting there and wondering about who we are, and how we came to be seems to be pretty amazing, doesn't it?
As babies and later toddlers who learn to walk, we witness the stage in which giving up would be the worst thing to do; for learning to walk wasn't just a trait that we were taught, it was always part of our instinct much prior to us learning. Even though most of us cannot remember those few times we fell on our little bums and got back up again, we can probably relate to our "child-like" mindset of not giving up. At that time, giving up was not part of our dictionary, in fact, we didn't even know what a dictionary was.
Now when we look at situations in our life, we are usually like "OH MY GOD! I can't believe so and so did this and this for that and that," like honestly? Whatever happened to, "Mommy, I think I should say sorry to Sarah tomorrow for calling her a bucktoothed tiger."
As toddlers we'd fall and get back up again, and fall and get back up again, but our goal was crystal clear; a goal to walk. Now whenever we look at our goals and have to overcome challenges to achieve something, we decide to not bother because we might fail. Technically, that daredevil that was inside of us when we were younger, is now hidden by all the fear that lurks inside our head.
People usually state that certain experiences often scar them, sometimes so deep that nothing can ease their pain; therefore they go through so many insecurities and decide to not work towards the betterment of their life. How do I know all this? It's because I've shared a similar experience.
I believe a person enters the real world when they step through the doors of their high school; for now they know for the next four years, they will be with other individuals who are going through changes, challenges, social issues, and situations which they might remember for the rest of their lives.
I remember in 2008 when I walked in the through the doors of my high school, it truly was a special moment; for I had been dreaming of being in this school since the age of 12. I was excited, intimidated, sad and felt as though I was breathing in the air of maturity. I was only 14 then, and probably had certain dreams bigger than my own two eyes; however I also had a different perspective of life and people, especially the people who were part of my life.
Sometimes people say they have seen angels, or maybe the divine being himself. I would say there is no need for angels, especially when you have friends and your family. If I was to describe her, I would say she shone brighter than most angels ever would, and understood me better than I could understand my own self. Her name was Saachi Malhotra, my best friend of four years and a possible spiritual sister. When I met her, I was new to my middle school and wasn't accepted by a lot of people; however Saachi accepted me into her life, and just like a puzzle is incomplete without certain pieces, I was incomplete without her.
Even though looking forward to the first day of high school scared me, I was comforted knowing that Saachi'll be there, and we'd be together for the next four years and finally university. At that point, I couldn't imagine being without her, but I guess life's not always smooth sailing.
Being new in high school, there were new things to experience, and there was more fun to have. At that time, I was truly having the time of my life. Amazing friends, good grades, busy lifestyle, I couldn't want anything more; however things changed when another individual walked into my life and gave it a different meaning. I wouldn't call him my first boyfriend, I would call him my first love. Of course, how can a 14 year old possibly be in love right? Wrong. If you can love your parents, your friends, how can you not LOVE a person in a different way? I know I did.
I met him when my school bus was changed to his, and as shy as he was about making friends, I was the total opposite. Loud mouthed, possibly funny and a creeper, I was a girl who loved getting to know strangers. It was who I was, and it’s a pity now knowing that I hide from the same person I loved talking to. When we met and became friends, I asked him for his number in the first conversation, and as more conversations occurred, I began to draw a liking for talking to him. Before I knew it, we were together, we were one, and we were in love.
Now I had everything, everything I ever wanted. Perfect boyfriend, an awesome best friend, and a great lifestyle; in other words, I was happy for I felt I had the two people who made me who I was, and if I ever lost either of them, I’d be that incomplete person once again.
I guess fear has a way of showing itself, as reality; therefore just as I was fearing losing them, I did. Poof, they were gone, the two most important people in my life, both due to misunderstandings and due to being preys of a large game of broken telephone.
My best friend was a person who contributed to everything in my life, losing her was one of the things I regret the most; for I’d never know that a decision I made for the betterment of my boyfriend would lead me to lose her. High school is a large book, no principles, just work and drama; simply expressed as shit.
When I started dating my boyfriend, I made a mistake of being too occupied to express my feelings for my best friend. Drama finished the job and I got into a fight with her, a fight in which I had to choose between him and her; however like many of us know, it is truly hard to chose which one of your eyes are better; therefore it killed me to have to chose between the one I loved and the one I couldn’t live without. I did make a decision though, I did choose, and I chose him.
Now many people might think that I never thought about my best friend and all those years of memories we shared, and let it all go for a guy, but that was not my intention. I couldn’t express my feelings for either one of them, and to be honest, I hurt my best friend; therefore I felt that leaving her, I’d actually help her get rid of her pain. I never thought that after I left her, I’d be hated on, or repulsed because I left her; however I didn’t mind people and rumours because I had him to hold on to. I was incomplete, but he was there, now he was my best friend.
Time went by, and things changed; I changed. To be honest, the girl who walked in those doors just a few months back, was now a complete living ghost. As people talked, my insecurities increased; therefore even having him, I was scared of losing him more and more. Then, I did.
I could never explain how I felt the day I had to end my relationship with him. Like always, I wanted his happiness; therefore I forgot my love and took the step to end us. I can’t say I wanted to, because I loved him, but I had to because it was the right thing to do, or so I thought. We were still going to be friends, good friends; however something else was planned for us. Drama again, came and took my ex-boyfriend, now friend away from me. So now, I had lost the two most important people in my life, was I shattered? Don’t want to remember it.
For two months I isolated myself from people, from them because I was afraid to face them, afraid to be laughed at. I was laughed at, I was made fun of, and I was hurt because it was never my intention to hurt either of them. I loved them, still do, and to be honest, a lot to express it.
This blog post started off with how we have forgotten that daredevil inside of us, and I can say for those two months, I did as well. I was an emotional wreck who let everything go; in other words, I didn’t give a damn about anything or anyone. I needed a wake-up call, and I needed it badly.
I am thankful to this day for having friends who stood by me despite all of this. When I was literally in the dumps, my other best friends brought me up. I could say they talked sense into my head, and gave me the courage to fix these misconceptions people and my ex and ex-best friend had of me. Even after our arguments, blocking on social networks and my stubborn personality, my friends helped me fixed a lot of situations.
Today I might not have everyone, but because of my friends, I was able to talk to my ex-best friend as well. There are problems, always will be, but I could never be more thankful. I still feel that I am missing a huge part of my life, and that is the fixing of my best friend’s insecurities and my ex-boyfriend. To begin with, my best friend, like any other person, deserves the best for her. Since I hurt her, I cannot expect all the things to be back to square one; however I do promise her that wherever life takes us, I will not let her go like I did before.
It hurts me to say that my ex boyfriend and I don’t talk. We haven’t talked since we broke up; for it is all a misunderstanding. I miss him, miss talking to him, and being with him. Having everyone back in my life is a blessing; however it kills me to have to see him and not utter a word. We shared our lives for a year; therefore even after five months, I haven’t gotten used to being without him. Like I was missing those pieces, I’m still missing the biggest; him.
I am afraid, afraid to say things to people, afraid of exposure even after the fixing of things; therefore I feel that talking to him or others who might be against me has no significance. I guess I have been hurt and don’t want to experience it again. Then again like my friend Akshay says, “If I am curious about anything, I need to ask the person, not him,” and he’s right. I need to try and fix this situation with my ex; not fearing the fact of him not listening.
Fearing things has not brought anyone anywhere. If as children we feared falling, we’d never learn to walk. Since I feared, I lost. Now I have hope, so I will gain.
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